Lists Are Hot is a monthly column for all those of you that love lists. This time I want to talk about a topic we all love to hate, or hate to love: bad lesBian movies.
In the time between I realised I was into girls until after the first two years of coming out, I watched pretty much any movie with lesbian content I could get my hands on.
Needless to say, not all of those films were very good. In fact, at least half of them were rather crap, but I did not care, because it had girls in them who liked girls and they often ended up making out with said girls.
These days I try to watch movies because I think they are going to be good, fun or interesting and the fact that it has lesBian content has become secondary. This lessens the chance of finding more bad lesbian movies, although of course working for eurOut doesn't really help. I watched and reviewed plenty of bad lesBian movies the last 2 years, most of those have ended up in this list.
I have picked 10 movies with lesBian content that I thought were really bad, for various reasons. Obviously, there are many more and you might even like some of my choices. If so, feel free to tell me off or add your favourites in the comments. Here are my bad lesBian movie picks in no particular order (apart from number 1).
Do take note that a number of the clips included in this list are NSFW!
10. Go Fish (US, 1994)
Go Fish was one of the first lesbian movie I ever saw. I rented it from my local video store, hidden among a bunch of other films. I remember being scared, yet intrigued, wondering if lesbians were really like that. I hoped not, because I didn't think I would fit in. I watched it again a few years later and I was amazed at how bad this movie is. I get what they were trying to do here, but it clearly didn't work.
As for the love story…I think the very young Guinevere Turner is kind of cute, but after all these years I still don't buy she'd fall madly in love with the other lady. They had no chemistry whatsoever, and let's just leave it at that.
9. Chasing Amy (US, 1997)
Another movie I watched around the same time was Chasing Amy. I know, it's a controversial pick, as lots of people like this film. To be fair, the quality of the movie isn't that bad, but the storyline bugs the hell out of me! In a nutshell: uninteresting, dumb, average straight guy falls for lesbian, who can't resist him, but he can't handle her previous sexual experiences.
The main problem I have with this film is they make it out to be like any lesbian could just change teams if the right guy comes along (It would've been better if they had just made her out to be bisexual in the first place, but then, we wouldn't have the "interesting" plot). Seriously, would you switch teams for Ben Affleck?
8. Producing adults (Finland, 2004)
Let's move on to another great subject for lesBian movies: lesbians trying to get pregnant or having babies. It's such a boring, unoriginal storyline (of course, there are good exceptions like Chutney Popcorn). One of those bad ones in the Finnish movie Producing adults, about a woman with a dumb jerk of a boyfriend, who desperately wants to get pregnant.
She goes through extreme measures to achieve her goal, including secretly seeking help from a bisexual co-worker and against all odds, the two women end up falling for each other. They fall for each other while inseminating each other, it's all so very unrealistic. It doesn't really matter though, because the main character of this movie is sperm, and lots of it.
7. Tick tock lullaby (US, 2007)
Producing adults is a good movie compared to Tick tock lullaby, which is also about having babies. However, this time it's a lesbian couple who desperately want a baby and decide insemination just isn't natural enough. Yes, they prefer to conceive the "natural way" by one of them having sex with a guy until she's pregnant. Needless to say, this isn't very beneficial for their relationship.
I can't believe someone thought this was an interesting, plausible storyline to tell.
6. Bandaged (Germany, 2009)
I'm a big fan of weird, unusual movies, but sometimes things get a little too weird even for me. A good example of this is the movie Bandaged, which I guess you could describe as an erotic lesbian thriller. A young, innocent girl who's tried to set herself on fire and her nurse, spend too much time together in a creepy mansion and decide to play weird sexual games together. Or something.
This is the first regular film from a woman mainly known for her S&M porn movies, so be warned.
5. Choses secretes (France, 2002)
Another movie that revolves around sex is the French movie Choses Secretes, about two women who have a lot of sex with each other and with all the men they come across, because they want to sleep their way to the top. Another great plotline, and also not really a lesBian movie, although it does contain some hot girl-on-girl sex scenes. Still, this movie often shows up in lists of lesBian movies, and I just want to tell you it's not. It's more like soft porn.
4. The girl (France/Germany, 2000)
At least the previous movie had some sort of plot, which can't really be said for The Girl. This movie has no plot, makes no point and also makes no sense. An androgynous looking woman named the painter falls for a nightclub singer, and they start having some sort of affair, but the nightclub singer is busy sleeping with a bunch of men as well.
It's all very artsy, and the film has little dialogue. This is actually a good thing, as everything that's spoken is just so bad. Like the voiceover: “The Girl gives me a name. She calls me lover. She never asks about my life. She doesn’t know anything about me."
3. Lesbian Vampire Killers (UK, 2009)
I remember so looking forward to seeing this movie: Lesbian vampire killers. I thought it was going to be one of those good bad horror flicks, with some nice lesbian content. I was wrong. This movie is just very mediocre, not that interesting, not that good. More importantly, the title is very misleading as the lesbian vampires aren't all that lesbian. Well, they do like to make out with their fellow female vampires, but they seem to be mainly there to entertain the men.
2. Love & suicide (US, 2006)
I had to include this film. Not because it's the worst movie ever made, it's actually not that bad, but because it's one of those majorly depressing lesbian movies. A little like Lost and Delirious, but so much worse. Then again, are you really surprised with a title like Love & Suicide? I think there should be a law against making a movie where teenage girls fall in love with each other and think this is a reason to end their lives.
1. The fine art of love (Italy/Czech Republic, 2005)
I saved the best for last. The fine art of love is the most horrible lesbian movie I have ever seen. In fact, it's probably one of the worst movies I have seen ever, and I have seen a lot of movies. Why? Because it's so horrible and so misleading. The first hour of the movie you see two cute. innocent teenage girls learning to dance for the prince in a fairytale like forest and they fall in love with each other.
Then everything goes horribly wrong, girls start disappearing and find brutal deaths. One half of the cute couple gets hung on a rope and the other girl gets raped by the prince in the longest scene ever. DO NOT WATCH THIS MOVIE. Seriously, just DON'T (Don't worry, the clip below isn't that horrible).
What do you think of my choices, do you agree or do you actually enjoy some of these films? And are there any bad lesBian movies missing from the list?
This post was first published on eurout.